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3.5/5
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Unpublished; I read and edited the first three chapters weeks ago, and then was given the whole novel to edit.
Started: 16 May 2022
Finished: 20 May 2022
Edit Letter:
Amelia Nason
Portland, Oregon
26 May 2022
RE: The Assassin and the Queen
Amelia,
Thank you so much for the opportunity to edit your book. I’m sure it’s pretty weird to have a friend read your writing, however: your book is amazing. It has the kind of plot that would make me pick it out at a bookstore, and the writing was stunning. I kept getting really excited about scenes and surprises and how badass and evil your characters were being. On top of that, being able to edit an unpublished novel was a super cool opportunity for me. Obviously, all my suggestions in this letter and on the document are for you to take or leave as you see fit. You’re also welcome to write any and all of my comments off as practice for my editing career and nothing else. My comments on the actual document of the book are a little messy: I commented an ellipsis in places where I felt you might want to look over the wording again, and a huge percentage of my other comments are reactions from me as a reader. In this letter, I’ll go over a few parts of your book that I thought were fabulous, and a few things for you to consider working on, either for this book or for another one in the future.
Language
Your writing is gorgeous. I did mark up places on the document where the sentences didn’t feel complete, or felt a little funny, but overall your wording and turn-of-phrase is amazing. There were moments where I just had to stop reading because it was so pretty.
Capitalization
I noticed you capitalized people’s titles sometimes (i.e. the General) in places where their title was not a name. Unless you’re talking about someone who is the only person to hold their title (for example, the King) you probably want to make their title start with a lowercase.
Character
From the way you’ve talked about your characters, I’ve gotten the impression that you have very specific ideas of them, and I think you could work on bringing those ideas to the reader a little more clearly. Consider a character like Nina Zenik: she loves to eat, especially waffles; she loves to flirt; she doesn’t like getting her hands dirty, but will roll up her sleeves in an instant if a friend is in trouble–she has a brand, and just her name evokes a very specific impression. If you haven’t done this already, you could try making lists of really basic personality traits for your characters, and then expand them to what characters would do in different circumstances. Who wrinkles their nose at a muddy puddle, who grabs a towel, who leaps over it? How would the characters respond to someone coming on to them? By adding these details, you’ll make it easier for your readers to connect to your characters.
Empathy
I think the sociopath situation with Blair is super cool. There are points where it’s a little vague, and some things that feel left-over from when Blair didn’t feel anything. Listing/mapping the limits of Blair’s emotions might be helpful, if you haven’t done it already.
Representation
Blair definitely reads as aromantic-asexual, which made me super excited, since it’s so hard to find ace rep in fiction, especially in a main character. However, the way Blair’s asexuality was discussed didn’t quite come across right to me. Asexuality is often ignored or talked about like an ailment to be fixed. Because of this, the ace community strongly prefers for asexuality to not be portrayed as a curse, especially not one with the hope of being cured. If Blair’s lack of empathy is connected to her sexuality, you could try adjusting the language, particularly around the idea of a cure (what Siadfuar tells Blair, page 267). She could hypothetically have empathy returned to her, without her sexuality being super obviously impacted, or “cured”. If empathy and sexuality can be separated–which would be my reccomendation– Blair could both be at war with her lack of empathy and also be totally okay with not experiencing sexual attraction. I don’t think I’ve ever read a character who casually accepts their asexuality from the beginning of the book, but that would be on par with how other sexualities and gender identities are handled in the book. I agree there is some sexual tension between Rajael and Blair, but that could be adjusted to a very close platonic relationship.
Paige’s limb difference drew a little too much focus. It was good that you mentioned it a few times while describing the way they moved around the ship, so readers remained aware of it, but changing phrases involving hands to “hand” probably wasn’t necessary.
Motivation
Reine’s motivations throughout the novel were very clear, if mildly psychotic. But it might be helpful to map out other character’s motivations in some scenes. Blair’s, especially, is a little unclear. She agrees to Casvian’s job very quickly, without enough of a reason, in my opinion. You could make her situation more dire, or even have her working with Cas the whole time (maybe she didn’t know all of his plan, but the final stab scene could be orchestrated and then revealed on the boat, which would be super cool). Giving Blair’s history with Cas more significance from the beginning would also help with this, since it would give Blair more of a reason to trust him. Blair’s switch from caring about no one to wanting to go back and save the world was also very sudden. Is there someone else who could convince/force her? Could she have a more selfish reason, instead? If not, you might want to start hinting early on about her care for Regiis–maybe she really likes the architecture?
Power
While maybe the possibilities and limits of the Isati power could be a little clearer, I thought the fire power was creative, unique, and logical overall. The one thing that didn’t make a ton of sense was Blair’s ability to soak up power. The possibility of that might need to be mentioned around the middle of the book, when Blair is talking to Rajael about her background. More than that, though, I wonder what happened to the power once it entered Blair. Unless you have a specific plan for Blair discovering that she has Isati power in the next book, you should probably address where the magic went.
Religion
I think the religion present in your first few chapters is one of the most compelling pieces of your world building, because it is both widespread and nuanced. After the storm caused by Reine–proof that the gods are real–religion is mostly ignored, though. I would recommend talking more about religion in Reine’s later chapters, especially the scene with the pillar of fire, as well as how it fits into the Aon Draicht.
Plot/Pacing
I really liked your overall plot. There are a lot of YA plot traps, and I don’t think you fell into any of them. The villain origin story situation was glorious. Reine going off the deep end was one of the most fun YA scenes I’ve read in a long time. She went completely feral, and it was so much fun, because she lost her fear and lack of power and just went for it. The pacing of the beginning and middle felt right–it was actually super impressive that there wasn’t any sort of lull in the middle. The end felt a little rushed, though. The column-of-fire scene was super cool, but the fact that both narrators passed out, and then that we only got Reine’s perspective after, felt a little odd. It also wrapped up pretty abruptly. I know there’s a word-count cap on how much you can write, but adding a little more material to the end might be helpful.
Redemption
I liked the way you wrote about the theme of forgiveness, but Reine seemed to be redeemed by her country a little too quickly after commiting genocide and then saving the world from a monster of her own making. Her almost immediately rejoining the government felt unrealistic. The book jumps quickly from gritty, complicated murder to organization. I think somehow continuing the complexity of Reine’s situation would make more sense.
Restructuring the Government
The government restructure at the end of the book felt very The Lunar Chronicles, but was a little overly perfect for happening in the first book in a series. Continuing my pitch for complexity, a bit more complication and mess would make this feel more realistic.
Overall, I really enjoyed your book. The magic and plot were super interesting, and your writing was gorgeous. It was so cool to finally get to read one of your books, and the opportunity to edit a full unpublished novel was amazing. Once you’ve read this and had time to process, we can totally go over it, and I can explain anything that’s confusing.
Peace Out, Man,
Ella